I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
