The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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