you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize