porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
you made out with another girl for some wings
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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