Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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