I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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