Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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