Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
