i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize