Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
