I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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