I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
