her vagina looked like bernie madoff
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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