lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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