I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Randomize