I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
