i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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