I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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