There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
