I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
