My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
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