woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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