She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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