Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
