She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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