Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Randomize
