I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
