Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
