i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
