Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
