yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
