She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Shitshow foam night was such a success
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
