Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Just pee around me
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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