why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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