i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
