I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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