Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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