she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize