actually, I'm a sock model
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
