Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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