Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize