i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
