Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
