I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I forget how to act sober
Randomize