i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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