The maid of honor just puked.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
