Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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