it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
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