allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
