I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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