This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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