So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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