I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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