3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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