My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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