Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize