I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
