Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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