I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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