If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
