I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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